A Number of Times
by The Atomic Cafe
Summary: Set after Heroes. 'How many people have you seen die'


**A Number of Times**

**By Dimgwrthien**

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: NY or affiliates.

"I thought I'd die before her," Mac whispered, his hands wrapped around a mug of beer. He didn't dare look up into the busy crowd or at any of their faces.

The team had only been there an hour now. They managed to get through three pitchers of beer already, along with a handful of bottles from Danny and Flack, just to drown out everything but Aiden.

"Don't say that." Stella hit his arm lightly with her wrist. Mac knew what she wanted to add, but didn't dare - _At least it wasn't you or me or any of us._

"After I fired her, I thought that I had done her one favor, if anything. She wouldn't be killed on the job. Wouldn't have to see anyone die on the job." He sighed and pressed a hand against the bridge of his nose. "In the end, she saw more than plenty of officers have."

Flack had put down his bottle, giving Mac the most wooden stare he had seen a drunk man give. "She was doing what she wanted to do. You couldn't have stopped her from it. Hell, you tried, but you couldn't."

Mac stared at them, feeling his hands shake. It was something he wanted to tell someone, whoever it was, but could never face the truth of it. "How many people have you seen die?"

No one answered him.

"How many?" he repeated roughly. "None of you have seen more than a handful. Aiden didn't either, but what she had to see -" He broke off, replacing his hand over his face.

Stella glanced around the table, seeing everyone's somber face. "She caught Pratt," was the only thing she could offer. "She got him in prison, and that's the one thing she wanted these past months."

Danny didn't look cheered up by it. "Mac's got a point. She was young enough to still want to do _something_ else with her life."

Stella looked over at Danny, staring to feel embarrassed at even commenting. "I don't think he would have gone on to do much else with Pratt still on her mind."

"She could have still caught him at some point." Danny slammed his bottle against the table. "If she just had some more time -"

Lindsay looked up, meeting Stella's eyes. Stella felt as though she was the only one who could understand what Lindsay was thinking. Why were all of these people so sad? Who was Aiden, really? She didn't voice any questions, but gently touched Danny's arm.

"I'm going to head home." She didn't move her hand from his arm. "Sorry, guys. It's late and -" She shook her head, then glanced down at Danny. "Wanna come with me?"

Danny shrugged, then stood up and followed Lindsay out of the bar without a word. Stella wondered how Lindsay would deal with him.

If she could work with Danny…

"It is late." She glanced at her watch, seeing that it was nearly ten. "I think I'll head home. Maybe take a walk. Mac?"

Mac glanced up and seemed to understand. He nodded, put down his mug, and stood.

Flack and Hawkes remained at the table. "Think I'll stay a while," Flack said, joined by nodding from Hawkes.

"I have the morning off," the medical examiner explained. "Catch you tomorrow?"

The four said goodbye. As they left, Stella swore she heard Flack's voice say, "I remember when Aiden would be the one who dragged us all out like this. She loved giving Danny a ride home."

Stella and Mac walked down the somewhat empty street, letting the streetlights play with their shadows.

Opening her mouth to ask how he was, Stella noticed that Mac had started talking.

"I can't remember why I fired her." His voice was low and almost shameful. "I noticed the evidence seal and just jumped at it. I hadn't ever seen anyone go that far. We've all wanted to change the evidence. Just have it move so that the case would be easier or so that someone could be guilty." He looked sideways at Stella. "Ever notice that? We think that finding a person guilty stops crime."

Stella didn't answer. She dug her hands deep into the pockets of her dark pants.

Mac had a small smile on his face, one that barely even touched his cheeks, much less his eyes. "Aiden wanted to take it further. She just wanted to more than the rest of us, so she tried it. And she never did it. If she had just put a new tape on it -"

Stella watched Mac's face as he spoke. He didn't seem to realize where they were or who he was talking to. Mac only stared forward, his eyes concentrated on nothing. "I think she wanted to be caught," Stella whispered.

Mac blinked, seeing to come out of his own world, then looked around the street. "That wasn't it. She didn't want to be caught because she knew that she could only keep the case if she was around. She left it because she cared that much." His pace slowed, his strides becoming shorter. "She had questioned Regina, knew how much Regina needed it to end. She thought over her next move and saw no other choice. Then she cut the tape. If she had put it back on, she'd be saying that she changed her mind." Mac shook his head, starting to walk faster and faster. Stella hurried to keep at his side. "The human mind doesn't understand choices unless they're right there."

She understood his point, but didn't want to apply it to Aiden. She had always been a bright and daring girl. Never complained about anything. She could be held at gunpoint and not bat an eye. How could she not only give into a case, but let herself be caught at it?

"Four."

Mac glanced at Stella. "What?"

"Four," she repeated. "I've seen four people die since I joined the department."

Mac nodded but didn't answer at first. He seemed to chew the thought over.

"Aiden never had to watch a person die." Stella shrugged. "Imagine the first death you ever see to be your own."

Stella thought over her own words, trying to put herself in Aiden's place. Being locked in a car, attacked, burned until not even your own friends could recognize your corpse…

Mac looked up, seeing the top of his apartment building. He glanced at Stella again.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Stella raised her eyebrows at him, giving him a small smile. It wasn't the best conversation to end the night on, but it would have to do.

Mac nodded. "Yeah. Tomorrow."

She wanted to walk him up to his apartment, but thought twice about offering. Mac wouldn't accept it. He'd only shake her off, saying he was fine going himself. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She stood there for a moment, feeling awkward as she hugged him. Mac finally wrapped his arms around her in return, his movements slow and uneasy.

Losing Aiden was something that the entire team hated having to go through. Stella understood the others' reactions - Danny and Flack were her best friends. Hawkes had known her as a friendly co-worker. Lindsay didn't know what else to feel.

Mac, though, seemed to have the most guilt on him. Even watching him confess about firing her, Stella didn't know how he was dealing so well with it. It was just a part of Mac Taylor she could never understand.

"I lost count," Mac whispered into her shoulder. "I didn't want to remember how many anymore."


End file.
